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Gardening... For Blokes.
Yes you heard me... A page all about gardening. I'm not ashamed.
Any old chump can grow stuff. You plant things in the ground, and it grows.
If anyone tries to tell you that there's a knack to it then chase them away with a stick.
So, whilst I might not be able to teach you a great deal about gardening itself, I might be able to teach you a thing or two about laziness.
So here it is.. Captain Lazy's guide to gardening..
Just what is gardening anyway?
Growing flowers is NOT gardening... Flowers are for metrosexuals and old ladies.
The Human race wasn't turned from squat hairy gypos into computer programmers by it's ability to grow pleasant smelling weeds.
Gardening is about growing things that have some practical use, and from a Yorkshire perspective things that might save you a few bob.
Of course, we're a little limited since even in the age of GM, we still have no 'Washing Machine' vine, or 'BMW 5 Series' legume.
If such a thing existed, I'd be telling you about it now.
What I'm talking about here my friends, is vegetables....
Doing work to avoid work, this is the Tao of laziness.
Although grandfather say, to do nothing is also an action... he suffered badly from dementia.
At some point, you're going to have to do SOMETHING otherwise you will do nothing. This is a simple statement of logic.
Now, the time for doing something in the garden[10] is when after the few warm days you thought marked the end of winter, it snows again.
While the last snow is still on the ground you must weed [4], then dig [1] the soil in which you intend to grow stuff until the top foot at least is loose [2].
Don't mess about with fancy stuff
Now you've prepared the ground it's time to nip to the garden centre (which will be empty except for a few of other blokes with dirty jeans raising an eyebrow at the prices)
I've been doing this a few years, and I've tried growing all sorts of things, the stuff below is the stuff you can stick in the ground and leave.
If you want to buy stuff that's not on this list, then suit your silly self.
Also, drop anything off the list you don't like or haven't got the space for
What to buy :
- Compost, enough to cover the ground you're planting at least a few inches deep
- slug pellets (size large). Always remember, slugs are your enemy and must die.
- 2 bags of onions for planting (sets), red and white.
- 1 bag of potatoes for planting (select your favourite type)
- 1 packet spinach seeds
- 1 packet of peas ("early onwards" are good) (see section below about mesh)
- 1 packet strawberry seeds
- 1 packet of cabbage or cauliflower seeds
- 1 packet of chive seeds
- 1 packet of oregano seeds
- 1 packet of mint seeds
- 1 packet of corriander seeds
Lay down a layer of the compost wherever you rekon to be planting, make sure it's deep enough by reading the seed packets.
Trample the compost down so that it's good and firm.
Now you can follow the instructions on the packets of seeds, or you can read my sections below :)
Growing Peas
Surprisingly enough, pea plants grow from peas.
You'll not get a plant from a frozen pea though, what you need are dried peas from the garden centre (or better still, from last years crop).
A Packet will set you back a massive 50p and return you about 100 peas for every one you plant
Peas are climbing plants that will reach about a metre in height, and each plant will be about 8" wide.
Plant [5] the peas in a row about 4" to 6" apart (they'll touch a bit, so what?) along the ground at the base of your wall or fence.
Don't be tempted to plant one row in front of another, it seems silly but all your peas will grow, trust them. If you only manage to plant 20 peas, that's enough.
Push each pea about an inch into the compost, cover it and mark it with a little pebble or somethign (if you're using the lazy boy method, see below).
I suggest you get some plastic trellis, nice and stiff with a mesh that's about an inch in size. Attach this to a wall or fence under which you have planted your peas so that your peas can climb up it for about a metre.
However, there's a lazier way to do it :
At the top of the wall or fence above each pea put in a nail (or better yet a picture hook).
Suspend from the nail some string that reaches all the way to the pea.
Now water the peas you've planted until you're bored, then for 5 minutes more. [6][7]
When the peas shoot they'll put out some leaves, then they'll put out some stringy feelers. Wrap the feelers around the string.
Water your pea plants every day, every week or so check to see if the plant has put out any new branches with feelers on, attaching them to the string.
Every two weeks. Feed them [9]
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The plant will flower (white flowers) when it reaches about a metre in height. And the peas will grow where the flowers were pretty soon after.
Pick the peas about a fortnight after they started growing.... Delicious!
Pick pods as soon as they're ready as that'll encourage new growth. You can pull dying leaves and stuff off the plant (dead head the plant) if you can be bothered, but it won't make much difference.
Let about 8 pods stay on the plant until the pod starts to wither. Then take the loose peas from the pod and put them in a non-airtight container somewhere dry until next year!
Growing Onions
Onions (at least the type we're all familiar with) do actually grow from onion seed.
However you don't want to grow your first lot of onions from seed. It's too clarty.
It is better to go and buy some small onion bulbs from the garden centre.
If the onions are going to be of the large variety then plant them a good 2 inches deep and stamp them in so they're rock solid.
If you don't firm the soil around them the weight of their leaves will topple them prematurely and the leaves will rot on the ground.
As with anything else. When first planted you'll need to water the ground so that it is saturated.
The onions will shoot within days, the leaves get longer until they kink in the middle and flop. This is natural, don't worry.
Some of your onions might go to seed. They'll produce a huge shoot (about a metre high) which will puff out at the tip like a pom-pom.
The tips of the leaves themselves taste of onion, while the onions are growing you can use these tips as you would chives, on sandwiches etc.
After all the tops have kinked, stop watering them as this will force them to bulb up and stop them bolting to seed.
Dig them up when all the leaves have kinked, touch the floor and are going brown at the tips (about 12 to 14 weeks I think?). You should be able to see the large bulb breaking the surface of the soil.
get three onions and platt their leaves together and hang them up by the platt. They say you should hang them in nylon tights, but they say skiffle was good.
Let two onions go to seed (it's quicker if you over water them) for next year, and see the section below on growing seeds.
Growing Garlic
Garlic is a doddle. I mean really easy!
Buy a bulb of garlic from the supermarket and leave it somewhere warm and dry, it'll start shooting (a couple of months later)
Break it into individual cloves, and plant each clove about 6" apart just under the surface.
Garlic doesn't really need watering much, except when first planted, so it's ideal for lazy people.
harvest it when the leaves have gone yellow.
It doesn't matter if the the garlic isn't lots of little bulbs, it tastes great even if it's just a single bulb.
Chives
Although Chives are a member of the onion/garlic familly they behave like a grass
They're a lazy gardeners second best friend because they'll outgrow just about any weed except brambles.
find a patch of ground (a couple of foot square ish) that normally has lots of weeds in it. Get rid of the weeds and empty a couple of packets of chive seeds onto the patch.
Water like mad until they sprout, then leave them alone for ever.
Strawberries
Strawberries are the lazy gardeners BEST FRIEND.
Strawberries will outgrow almost every other plant, particlarly the 'alpine' varieties which produce tiny but tasty (and lots of them) strawberries.
Sprinkle packets of strawberry seeds wherever you don't plant on growning anything else...
Tips for the 'efficient' gardner
1) A spade is different to a shovel. One will dig the ground easy, the other won't. One will shovel large volumes of already dug stuff easy, the other won't.
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2) There are two types of growing thing :
- Stuff that grows mainly above the ground
- Stuff that grows mainly under the ground
So for things that grow above the ground, you don't need to prepare the ground as deep! Magic!
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3) My old boss once told me, that all things are easier when you're using the right tool.
Here is a list of BASIC gardening equipment that you should have already.
- A GOOD hose pipe (outside tap, snap fittings) with a good sprinkling plant feeder attachment on it. Watering cans are for people who like pointless work, and crap hose pipes are for masochists.
- A Good Trowel. Not one made of finest malaysian putty, one that you can dig with, without bending.
- A Good Spade. Sharp, Strong, Made in the UK from real british steel and wood.
- Lots (a good few kilos) of powdered garden feed. I like miracle grow, some swear by tomerite.
- Some bamboo sticks about a metre long
- Slug pellets. Lots of them.
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4) When you weed, get the roots out, and don't leave any part of the weed in the soil or even within a hundred feet of your garden.
Alternatively, you can weed the same plant all year?
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5) If you plant everything at the same time, it'll all ripen at the same time. If you don't, it won't.
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6) Birds like seeds, but not plants (they've no molars). When you plant stuff, sometimes it's helpful to cover it with transparent plastic until it shoots. If you've two cats, do whatever you like, you'll never see a bird in your garden.
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7) Slugs and Snails are not fit to slither on our planet. They are bastards. Terminate them with extreme prejudice. If you have cats, get animal friendly slug pellets, unless you don't like them.
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8) Plants have no mouth. They grow by sucking up food in water, from their roots. Water is therefore a key ingredient in plant growage. Water vegetables to the point of tedium!
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9) If you've poor soil (you have) you'll need to use plant feed now and then. Don't forget or you'll get shit plants.
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10) of course you can plant things at the end of the summer to grow for next year, but that'll be covered in the sections above where relevant.
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thoil.
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